I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize