I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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