It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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