I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
