So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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