He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
