good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
