plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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