I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
