I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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