Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
