Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
