dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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