Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
