don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
