Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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