woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
