3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
