she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
