I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
