Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
