A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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