6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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