for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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