I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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