as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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