We're like a lot better than the average bears
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
