he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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