I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
