What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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