i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
my poor anus
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
