he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
