I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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