She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
