I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
