Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
