Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
