I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You ruined the universe
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
