my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
