There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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