Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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