this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
