Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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