You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
