i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
