A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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