I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
