do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
