So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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