I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
