Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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