so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
