not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
