there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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