So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
from now on my penis is your penis
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
