I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
