My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
