70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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