I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
