I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
