You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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