Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
