I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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