Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
