At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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