When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
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