Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
